I AM A SURVIVOR!

I participated in the cast of the Vagina Monologues again this year. As a freshman, my feminist friend dragged a group of us to see the show and for the first time I experienced the power of the monologues. I'd actually never heard of them before, but I left speechless. The experience opened a door of discussion amongst my closest friends and today none of us are shy about talking about our sexuality. Still it took me two years to get up the guts to try out. Last year, I was part of a monologue about the problems facing transsexual woman, it was called "They Beat." This was a far cry from the piece I preformed this year, aptly titled: "CUNT!"

My first experience tapped in to a part of me that had my sexuality trampled upon. It was cathartic to work through those emotions. This year I spoke as a women who in reclaiming the use of a pejorative word was able to reclaim her own life and her own sexuality. My directors, or facilitators as they preferred to be thought of, helped me find a place inside myself, a memory, a moment in time where I felt the giddiness that comes from conquering the world and being affirmed by it. But at the same time, the pain and hurt of people words and actions. For me it was a moment in an elevator.

1 in 4 women in their life will be sexually abused or assaulted. I was one of them. I am a survivor. And yet as much as the abuse itself was painful and life altering, the response of people around me was soul crushing. It took me years to realize that if people didn't want to support me, I didn't need nor want their support. I realized that in an elevator on a September day, we were leaving from the sentencing hearing. My abuser was going to jail, I felt like I could conquer anything. As we climbed into the elevator, so to did my abuser's friends - they were also the parents of some of my best friends from high school. I wasn't and to this day don't remain on speaking terms with any of them. But even though I left the courtroom feeling validated, I felt weak and scared in that elevator.

I have always been upfront about my own history fueling my participating in the Monologues, but when my director approached me about being interviewed for an article in the student newspaper I froze. There was a part of me that wanted to talk about it, but there was a part of me that was still scared. I was scared that the way people reacted to me years ago - as if I had the plague - would happen all over again. In some ways people's responses hurt worse than the abuse itself. People wondered why it took me years to come forward, and when the truth came out my worst fears were realized. I was afraid of being hurt all over again.

But I realized that if I didn't talk about it I would only be allowing those fears to fester and I would only be allowing those fears to fester in other women. There is a world of women out there that have been molested and abused. I am one of them and if we don't talk about it- the positive and negative parts of sex, about the painful parts of our sexuality, if we don't talk about these things - then they become taboo and we are made to feel shameful about them by society. We are made to feel shameful about parts of ourselves. No one should feel that, ever!

I can't go back to that moment in the elevator and tell those people "shame on you" for standing behind a child molester, for supporting him. I can't tell them that they make me sick. I can't tell them they were wrong. I know they felt they were doing the right thing at the time and with hindsight I now see that in a situation such as that, there really isn't a "right-thing." But last week in screaming the word "CUNT!" to a room full of a hundred strangers, I found myself somehow telling the world that with one word I and I alone will define how I feel about myself and there is no derogatory word in any language that can make me feel otherwise.

When it came down to it I knew I had to speak up, because I wish someone had spoken up when I was hurting. If you are reading this and have been abused, or raped, or assaulted I want you to know you are not alone. You will never be alone. There is a sisterhood of women ready to wrap their arms around you. I want to wrap my arms around you and cry with you and laugh with you. If you need to talk with someone you can call the Rape Crisis Centers 24 hour hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or visit the National Sexual Assault online hotline. Both of which are anyonomus. Or if you feel so inclined you can contact me by email.

And If you didn't catch the link to the article you can read it here.

UPDATE: There are weekly Sexual Assault and Relationship Volence Support Services through the Women's Center on the 3rd floor of Leavy. Jen Schweer, Sexual Assault Health Issues Coordinator will be in the Women’s Center every Wednesday starting from 4pm-6pm. If you have questions please contact the Center at 202-687-6359 or Jen at jls242@georgetown.edu

I heart the Fifth Amendment

On October 3rd, my family's life shifted. We went from talking about plans for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my upcoming graduation to talking about the next minutes, hours, and days -- about funeral services, police statements, and the fact that life is a very, very precious and precarious thing.

Today plane tickets were bought for my family to attend my graduation from college in May. I was a bit frustrated with the chunk of my day that it was taking and it was only in retrospect that I saw the normalcy of it. I sit here tonight thankful that my family is able to think five months out, that we are no longer doing damage control and holding our lives together.

I say this because we got good and bad news this week. The bad news is that Little Bo is facing a charge for the accident. The good news is apparently someone in the city government issued a traffic citation while the more serious charges sat on the county prosecutors desk. Not only did they issue them, but the traffic charge file doesn't even include the police report! It was only because the file did not contain the police report, and there was discussion about how to get evidence from the police report entered into the record without it being hearsay, that we would find out the great news.

It turns out that this violation is a city statute that doesn't line up with the state code. This means the charges can't be amended to include more serious criminal charges at the Superior court level. When Little Bo pays the fine, the city will be forced to close the case. Then under double jeopardy rules the county prosecutor won't be able to issue further charges based on the same evidence. Additionally, the only time details of the case would ever be released is if a judge orders the file to be opened. I think it will be the best $124 dollars that we have ever spent

Writing this check my family looks once again to the future. Little Bo has been talking about colleges, and he has taken a renewed interest in school. I am so proud of him for coming through this standing tall.

What do I want?

While I haven't said a lot lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. In the last couple weeks I have identified that my hope for the new year is to learn to accept living life on its own terms. The last year has shown me that we really have no control over life, which is actually very terrifying. In the idea of the Buddhists, everything is temporary, because this does not align with our expecitation of the world, we are filled with suffering. I don't know about you, but I am tried of feeling disappointed.

For a long time I have made decisions about my life based on what I expected others expected me to do. Not only is that very twisted reasoning, it speaks to my underlying view of myself. I don't trust myself to make decisions about myself. Well that stops this minute. The only person who has to live my life is me, so it only makes sense that I make decisions based off what I want. I have spent the last several weeks trying to answer that question - what do I want - and I commend you if you can answer it for yourself, because I still don't have an answer.

There is a part of me that is exhilerated by the fact that the world is my oyster, but there is a part of me who is scared and blind walking forward into the world before me. At the end of my life - whether it is tomorrow or in seventy years - I want to be proud of myself. Not just my accomplishments, but the person that I am. So I am going to turn the focus away from the what of my daily life and towards what I want out of this life.

Dear Mister X or should I say Mister S,

Dear Mr. X,

Me, myself, and I alone have taken a vote, and 'we' have decided to change your nickname from Mr. X to Mr. S... while you may think that this S may stand for such words as supportive, sensitive, studly, sexy, or even sweet. You would be wrong, 'we' mean S as in S-T-A-L-K-E-R, S. And to help you to become more efficient in your stalking... you can find all 'our' posts that mention Christina here... all 11 of them.

I am sure you are a decent guy and you will make someone, someday happy. But you should know that there are times where you have made Christina miserable. You and you alone have made her cry. And while there is no one I would rather laugh with or cry with, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if it meant preventing those tears.

I have held her as she cried over you, because you weren't supportive, because you never came to visit, because you didn't trust her, because you accused her of cheating and lying, and you called her whitewashed. When she was scared and vulnerable you threw her devotion to and sacrifice for you back in her face. There is no talking or explaining that could erase the hurt you have caused her, because the truth is she doesn't deserve any of it. She deserves to be loved, she deserves to laugh, she deserves to be happy. She deserves these things because she is without a doubt beyond amazing. More amazing than 10,000 Georgetown 'red velvet' Cupcakes and that is saying a lot.

And since she is awesome, I understand why you keep calling, and emailing, and checking her (and my) blog. But if we really and truly love someone, their happiness should mean more to us than our own. So I am asking you to let her go.

Besties' Bestesty,
Ashley

My bestesty friends and Possee

My friend, Christina, wrote in her blog post yesterday about why she loves her best friends... and I happened to be the only person mentioned by name... I don't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. "Ashley likes to talk about sex openly" which has now become an inside joke, because I again did it tonight as we walked back from Study Snacks from The Tombs. Oh great...

Anyways I wanted to introduce to you my Bestesty Friends. I went through a difficult period in my life between high school and college. I walked away from almost everyone of my friends from High School (which is a story for another day) and I arrived at Georgetown feeling quite alone. My Bestesty Friends taught me how to laugh again and cry again. I have loved again because of them. At the end of the day they make my life a better place. Recently I was having a very crappy day and one of these wonderful gals texted me about her crappy day and I realized that I no longer cared how horrible my day hap been. It didn't matter, but making my friend feel an ounce better well that did matter. And I realized right then, that is what true friendship is.

From left to right this is me, Amelia, and Christina. Amelia is getting married next Fall (crazy, huh?), and has the most amazing wedding dress picked out. She is always smiling, and my memories containing her are always the craziest. She is my wild child and she will always be my Sam and can whip my buy at word games. She makes me want to be better though.

Christina is my go to girl and fashionista. I have spent so much time laughing with her these last few months. I was so completely lost without her while she was studying abroad in Spain last year and I am so glad to have her back. She makes my life shine.

This is Cynthia. Its amazing that I only met her in September. I feel like I have known her forever. Maybe it is because she and I think on the same wave length, as she is a marketing major.
This is Pam and Luke. Pam and I became friends after we discovered that we had a similar interest... fanfiction. She ended up writing a paper at some point on the linguistics of fanfiction reviews, crazy huh? She is also smart. And is working at an up anc oming dot-com. Doing who knows what under a government contract. Luke, the crazy guy next to her is my tech guru and is an all around great guy. Some girl is going to be very lucky someday.

The picture below is a bunch of us are from Sophmore year. These were the good days, before our relationships became strained. We've all grown up so much since this picture. From L to R, me, Ashley Uno, Carol, Tessa, and Amelia. By the end of the year when this photo was taken, I was no longer on speaking terms with Uno or Tessa. I can't even explain for you why, its so trivial now.

I have been very fortunate to be able to repair my relationship with Uno. We were in the library on Sunday night, catching up and whispering until midnight, as if things had never changed. She will be a great doctor in the not so distant future.

I hope to be able to repair things with Tessa as well some day, I just need to pick up the phone and call. She is my secret keeper and she is one of the smartest people I have every met. Even with us not talking, I would do anything for her and I hope she knows that. If you thought I talked about sex loudly in public now, than you don't want to be around when the two of us are together. I blame this all on her, you know.

Carol, in the middle, is my political bunny, with a social concscience. She was born with a genetic abnormality and not expected to make it past kindergarden and look at her today. She has introduced me to the music and the arts and my life is richer because of her. The world is richer because of her.

Here we all are (sans Cynthia) freshman year, I can't believe that was 3 years ago. We all lived on the same floor and we all weighed 15 pounds less. I love this "Posse" and I feel so fortunate to be able to share my life with them and share in their lives.

Morality Reflected

Life has been busy for the last month. For some reason I thought that not returning to work part-time this semester would some how make my life easier, but I feel like I am running a thousands miles an hour all day and not having the time to finish all on my to do list. Maybe because I am not working, perhaps I am so much harder on myself when I do not get everything completed. Maybe I don't allow myself the grace that I deserve.

I was moaning and complaining about being too busy and time passing too fast. Then life came along and hit me like a sack of potatoes. I talked a couple weeks ago about how I was seeing my own mortality in the reflection of the world's. But then God called my bluff. I got that middle of the night call that brings one's world crashing down around them. I saw my morality reflected in my own life. My brother was involved in an accident, and suddenly the world became about police investigations, and state law, and was he in the wrong, and why was there a pedestrian standing in the street, why was this happening to my little brother, and why was it happening to our family. I don't know and that kills me.

Do you ever feel like your life turned out wrong? Perhaps you took this wrong turn somewhere along the way. Like this parallel universe is occurring and the world there keeps turning and yet here you sit in a world completely different. I can't shake the feeling that my life is wrong, and is not how it should be. I can't turn back time, so how do I make it right?

UPDATE: I posted this and not five minutes later I came across this on another blog:

"Count it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance." - James 1:2-3

That's the WHY! Isn't it? I know it and yet I hate it, too.

Club Rain at Leavey Esplanade

Tonight was the inaugural event of Class of 2009 Senior Dis-Orientation. It was suppose to be a party on Leavey Esplanade, and while today was gorgeous the front of Hurricane Hannah began moving in, and it quickly became a club like atmosphere straight out of Las Vegas. And the best parts, good friends, and no cover charges and we ended the night with Philly's Pizza Delivery.

My morality has hit me.

I commented the other day on the sad news coming out of Georgetown that it appears we have lost one of our fellow Hoyas. As I was sitting and reflecting today I thought about the loss that I have been touched with in my community and my virtual community and find the quantity astounding. And more importantly how deeply it has affected my view of the world, once the shock has worn off.

On May 21st, the Chapman family (of Steven Curtis Chapman, Christian recording artist fame) lost their youngest daughter Maria Sue in a horrible and tragic driveway accident. I first met this family shortly after they adopted for the first time in 2001 and for the last 9 months have followed Mary Beth's (the Mom's) blog where I got to know her 6 children through antidotes, stories, and photos. When I heard the news I think I stopped breathing for a moment. For months Maria has never been far from my mind.

It was the Chapman family that first really opened my eyes to Chinese orphans. And it was through a long and winding road that I came to know sweet Anna. Anna is a special needs child and during a routine catheter, as part of repairing her special need, a wire knicked a vein. She fought long and hard but it was not enough. Anna went home to heaven last week to her forever home after being with her forever family for 8 all to short weeks. Anna and Maria peacefully lie near each other in Franklin, TN.

It is through another family with twin girls from China, that I came to know Stephanie. Nie, as she is know, is the mother to four kids aged one to six and her love of her children, husband, and for being a mother is apparent in her blog. As one blogger said, "She has a true beauty of spirit that shines though every smile for the camera and every word she so lovingly writes about her family." In the second week of August, Nie and her husband Christian were riding in a plane with his flight instructor when the plane went down in Arizona. Both are currently in the hospital with burns on 80% and 30% of their bodies respectively, both are in chemically induced comas.

Also in the hospital in the past several months are two family friends. Whom we will call Big J and Mighty R. Big J suffered multiple strokes and since he had no health insurance the hospital stopped treating him. But in a catch twenty-two he can't leave the hospital ($2,000 a day cost) without improving, but they won't give him the care he needs so he could get better and leave. My dad fought for him and he was eventually released from the hospital. Big J refused physical therapy and other follow up care and I learned this evening he has lost the use of one of his arms. Big J fills my childhood memories and it hurts me that he is so alone in the world, that his world is spiraling further and further out of his grasp.

Meanwhile I arrived home from China to hear that Mighty R's pancreas surgery had complications and he was still in the hospital fighting an infection. Mighty R was diagnosed with terminal cancer nearly a decade ago and they thought they had beat it. On the plus side Mighty R had insurance, but when his million dollar cap was reached and Mighty R's disposition turned for the worse, both he and the hospital gave up. His girlfriend fought on his behalf and the hospital relented and put in a trakea within days he had improved to the point of the hospital discharging him today! I rejoice in the Lord, Mighty R walked beside me in a time when I felt utterly alone in the world. And he showed me that it was not my fault that I walked this solitary path, but that there was something wrong with a world that had put me on it. I rejoice.

I shared with you Terrance's story briefly. But what I didn't include is Terrance, no matter if he is at home, or school, or in a foreign country, a dorm, Laungier Library, or on the altar of the church singing his heart out, Terrance lives his life with zeal, as if he must brand this life as Terrance's. And he does so with his heart firmly pointed towards Jesus. Terrance gives all of himself every day. If he is no longer here on earth (which I continue to pray is not the case), he is safely in the hands of The Protector and His Creator.

Nie and Christian continue to fight, but an entire blogging community is fighting on their behalf. Currently 300 different bloggers are running silent auctions through the comments section of their sites. All proceeds go to the family's recovery fund. I am amazed time and time again at what the virtual community continues to do for them.

Maria Sue lived her life with zeal. On the day after Maria's death and over the weeks to come, as Jim Houser Steven's Manager said, the world showed up. So much so that three months later over 600,000 dollars has been donated to Maria's Miracle Fund at the Chapman family adoption charity, Shaohannah's Hope. Enough money to begin building Maria's Big House of Hope, a living and treatment facility in Laoyang for abandoned special-needs Chinese children. This family has now been featured in People magazine 3 times and have appeared on Good Morning America and Larry King Live, where they have told the story of their faith. Under any other circumstances these circulation numbers.... The only reason they can get through a day is because they know that God healed Maria but in a way their family did not like; she is whole and at home in the arms of Jesus. And yet when Mary Beth said on Good Morning America, she doesn't care if the entire world becomes better for Maria going to heaven, she is a mom and in her flesh she just wants Maria back, she just wants her little girl back - I broke.

Steven Curtis Chapman said that "we are convinced now that Maria was trying to cram a lifetime into five years of life.... She was so full of passion." I have over 17 years on Maria Sue, and sometimes I think I stand back from life. The seared scars from my past still stand in the way. But if Maria, or Terrance, or Anna, Nie, or Mighty R were here they would tell us to live our lives. So I will savor the blue skies, and the music and I will dance tonight, and laugh tonight. I will sit down tomorrow with a cup of hot cocoa and as the rain from Hurricane Hannah pounds my window I will gladly turn to my books and study and stop taking this collegiate experience for granted.

"In this world thall shall have tribulation." Life is not easy, God tells us in these words that by the grace of God. "Gods strength be perfect in one's weakness," the bible says. I have not reconciled myself with my own problems with my faith, but I have found myself turning to the comfort of Jesus even though I don't understand. But I choose that this is where I put my faith, to be able to have faith in the world, you have to have faith in Jesus. Without the later, I don't know how you can have the former.

I don't know why Anna and Maria's lives ended at the tender ages of 2 and 5. I don't know why Big J and Mighty R are allowed to leave the hospital, but Nie and Christian are still there fighting. I don't know why Big J's triump was followed by such sad news, or why Mighty R is now thriving. I don't know why we know where Anna and Maria lay but not Terrance. I don't know why this world is filled with pain, why it touches some lives deeper than others. And that is really hard. Regardless of our level of understanding, we must acknowledge the wounds, hurt, confusion, that there are questions that cannot be answered, that until the day of reckoning we will never know. But ironically on that day the answers won't matter even though we have waited our lives for them.

Today, I realize that with tragedy and pain do come rewards for overcoming the obstacles of life. That somehow in celebrating and mourning together the defeats are softened and the victories sweeter because of what we have overcome. That even though the pain will never fully heal (and would you even want it to?) we become stronger, more resilient, and confident, we stop taking things for granted, we lean on God, we rejoice at even the smallest victories. Some how after tremendous pain we start to live our lives again how we should have before.

Maybe there is no such thing as tragedy, maybe there is only hope and opportunity for growth and moving forward. We can't stop time from turning we can only look at the moment we are in now. At an all too painful time in my life I once said, "No matter how hard I wish I can't turn back time." Maybe for the first time in the 5 years since I said those words do I think that maybe it is okay that we can't, maybe I don't need to be stuck on what happened long ago, maybe I don't need to erase it. So we must come to terms with what happened yesterday and the day before that and the day before that, because being in this moment, really, is a miracle in and of itself.

P.S. I will add links later but it is 230 and I need to head to bed.