What do I want?

While I haven't said a lot lately, I have been doing a lot of thinking. In the last couple weeks I have identified that my hope for the new year is to learn to accept living life on its own terms. The last year has shown me that we really have no control over life, which is actually very terrifying. In the idea of the Buddhists, everything is temporary, because this does not align with our expecitation of the world, we are filled with suffering. I don't know about you, but I am tried of feeling disappointed.

For a long time I have made decisions about my life based on what I expected others expected me to do. Not only is that very twisted reasoning, it speaks to my underlying view of myself. I don't trust myself to make decisions about myself. Well that stops this minute. The only person who has to live my life is me, so it only makes sense that I make decisions based off what I want. I have spent the last several weeks trying to answer that question - what do I want - and I commend you if you can answer it for yourself, because I still don't have an answer.

There is a part of me that is exhilerated by the fact that the world is my oyster, but there is a part of me who is scared and blind walking forward into the world before me. At the end of my life - whether it is tomorrow or in seventy years - I want to be proud of myself. Not just my accomplishments, but the person that I am. So I am going to turn the focus away from the what of my daily life and towards what I want out of this life.