I AM A SURVIVOR!

I participated in the cast of the Vagina Monologues again this year. As a freshman, my feminist friend dragged a group of us to see the show and for the first time I experienced the power of the monologues. I'd actually never heard of them before, but I left speechless. The experience opened a door of discussion amongst my closest friends and today none of us are shy about talking about our sexuality. Still it took me two years to get up the guts to try out. Last year, I was part of a monologue about the problems facing transsexual woman, it was called "They Beat." This was a far cry from the piece I preformed this year, aptly titled: "CUNT!"

My first experience tapped in to a part of me that had my sexuality trampled upon. It was cathartic to work through those emotions. This year I spoke as a women who in reclaiming the use of a pejorative word was able to reclaim her own life and her own sexuality. My directors, or facilitators as they preferred to be thought of, helped me find a place inside myself, a memory, a moment in time where I felt the giddiness that comes from conquering the world and being affirmed by it. But at the same time, the pain and hurt of people words and actions. For me it was a moment in an elevator.

1 in 4 women in their life will be sexually abused or assaulted. I was one of them. I am a survivor. And yet as much as the abuse itself was painful and life altering, the response of people around me was soul crushing. It took me years to realize that if people didn't want to support me, I didn't need nor want their support. I realized that in an elevator on a September day, we were leaving from the sentencing hearing. My abuser was going to jail, I felt like I could conquer anything. As we climbed into the elevator, so to did my abuser's friends - they were also the parents of some of my best friends from high school. I wasn't and to this day don't remain on speaking terms with any of them. But even though I left the courtroom feeling validated, I felt weak and scared in that elevator.

I have always been upfront about my own history fueling my participating in the Monologues, but when my director approached me about being interviewed for an article in the student newspaper I froze. There was a part of me that wanted to talk about it, but there was a part of me that was still scared. I was scared that the way people reacted to me years ago - as if I had the plague - would happen all over again. In some ways people's responses hurt worse than the abuse itself. People wondered why it took me years to come forward, and when the truth came out my worst fears were realized. I was afraid of being hurt all over again.

But I realized that if I didn't talk about it I would only be allowing those fears to fester and I would only be allowing those fears to fester in other women. There is a world of women out there that have been molested and abused. I am one of them and if we don't talk about it- the positive and negative parts of sex, about the painful parts of our sexuality, if we don't talk about these things - then they become taboo and we are made to feel shameful about them by society. We are made to feel shameful about parts of ourselves. No one should feel that, ever!

I can't go back to that moment in the elevator and tell those people "shame on you" for standing behind a child molester, for supporting him. I can't tell them that they make me sick. I can't tell them they were wrong. I know they felt they were doing the right thing at the time and with hindsight I now see that in a situation such as that, there really isn't a "right-thing." But last week in screaming the word "CUNT!" to a room full of a hundred strangers, I found myself somehow telling the world that with one word I and I alone will define how I feel about myself and there is no derogatory word in any language that can make me feel otherwise.

When it came down to it I knew I had to speak up, because I wish someone had spoken up when I was hurting. If you are reading this and have been abused, or raped, or assaulted I want you to know you are not alone. You will never be alone. There is a sisterhood of women ready to wrap their arms around you. I want to wrap my arms around you and cry with you and laugh with you. If you need to talk with someone you can call the Rape Crisis Centers 24 hour hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) or visit the National Sexual Assault online hotline. Both of which are anyonomus. Or if you feel so inclined you can contact me by email.

And If you didn't catch the link to the article you can read it here.

UPDATE: There are weekly Sexual Assault and Relationship Volence Support Services through the Women's Center on the 3rd floor of Leavy. Jen Schweer, Sexual Assault Health Issues Coordinator will be in the Women’s Center every Wednesday starting from 4pm-6pm. If you have questions please contact the Center at 202-687-6359 or Jen at jls242@georgetown.edu