Next?

After a rocky finish, I turned in my last paper 10 days ago. My family came, we celebrated. I graduated in the rain. I said goodbye to friends, and I moved out of Georgetown (which means I think I need a new blog name, btw).

So what is next?

Well, I will be the first to admit that I don't know. I had a job offer to work on campus part-time, but as more time goes by I think I may pass. I am continuing to work for Gilco, but I need to find something more permanent. The problem isn't that I don't know where to start, but that I don't know which path I want to take. You would think after 4 years, and $200,000 I would have some sort of clue, but I don't.

Let me.

This last weekend I went on Senior Retreat. Although I had been looking forward to going to Six Flags with the senior class, I was ultimately unable to go. Thus, when my friend, Jesuit Novice A.J. mentioned the retreat and that I should go I went over to Healy Hall and registered. I think at first I was spurred to go because I didn't want to sit on campus all weekend. But then when I realized that my two best friends were going, I was excited to spend the weekend with them away from campus. I had no clue the weekend in store for me, it was one of the most amazing experiences at Georgetown and in the end I think it was one of my best decisions over the last four years.

Part of the weekend was about God's grace, examining where He had shown up in our life at Georgetown. In both the little things and the big. In the hurt and in the moments where life feels perfect. I came to Georgetown because I was running away. I thought if I got into a prestigious university, I would assure everyone around me and by proxy myself that I was okay. But the truth is that I wasn't, I was hurting. I was broken into a thousand tiny pieces being held together by the thinnest of threads. I was mad at people, I was angry at God, I held hate and contempt in my heart. When I walked through Georgetown's front gates for the first time I was a broken being. I came here broken and I don't want to leave that way.

I graduate in five days and yet still I am broken. I feel unworthy of His love. I feel unworthy of His grace, and I feel unworthy of His forgiveness. And yet I cling to these things and desire these things and pray that someday I will feel worthy. For years there has been an elephant in the room when I sit and talk to God. I could not understand how God could forgive my rapist, the man who sexually abused me for 18 months. I clinged to the self-righteousness that said that it was my pain. I constantly found myself asking God "How dare you take that pain away from me? How dare you offer this monster forgiveness? How dare you ask that I share heaven with this man?"

But you weren't asking those things of me, were you God? You were saying, this burden is heavy let me help you bear it. You were asking, isn't it getting heavy under there carrying your own cross. Here let me take a side. Dear child, let me ache for you, let me hurt for you, give me your hand and let me take your place upon this cross. Let my hands be nailed to it and let the thorns cut my brow. Let my blood flow and let my body be broken. You were simply saying "let me. Let me. Let me." And so I let him.

I found myself this weekend yelling out to Him and crying out to Him. Unloading my burden, one issue at a time. Until there was nothing left that I was carrying, until I felt empty and drained. Because the truth was, I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't carry this burden alone. It had broke me, I still am broken, but God's grace and love have begun to heal me. And while I am scared of the uncertain future ahead of me I know that on Monday morning I will be okay, because God will be there.

Water, water every where. Well, at least not in China.

I went to a lecture this morning called Asia’s Next Challenge: Securing the Region’s Water Future at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars. After waking up late and trying to navigate the International Trade Center complex at 1300 Penn (a hope skip and a jump from where we viewed the Inaugural Parade) I walked in the door a couple minutes late. But thought I would share my notes from the lecture because it was very interesting, particularly if you are concerned about the potential environmental problems facing China in the future.

The two speakers at this forum were visiting fellow at Brookings Institute in Doha, Qatar Dr. Saleem Ali and the Director of the Asian Social Issues Program at the Asia Society Suzanne DiMaggio. Both speakers were members of the leadership group for a new report, Asia’s Next Challenge: Securing the Region’s Water Future (pdf)from the Asia Society, which was the focus of the lecture. The session was moderated by the Director of the China Environmental Forum at the Woodrow Wilson Center Jennifer Turner who was a contributing author to the report, writing a sidebar entitled Water Conflicts Catalyzing China and spoke on many of the issues in the report relevant to China.

Although the lecture was about Asia as a whole, in the following summation I have focused primarily on the relevant aspects to China. The premise of the session and the report was that the majority of the water problems in Asia are the result not of water shortage, but of mismanagement and poor water governance. Additionally water problems in Asia should be considered part of a nation’s security dimension, but warned that effort should be taken so that water itself should not be “securitized.” Solutions to these problems require high-level political will and significant levels of investment with regional communication key.

The first portion of the lecture focused on the transboundary nature of security concerns in Asia. Water in recent years has become a “conduit for cooperation.” China is a prime example. On the Songhua River flowing into the China (43%)-Russian (48%) shared Amur-Heilong basin, China and Russia are working together to developing hydropower stations. The Yalu River is the shared boundary between China-North Korea and North Korea-Russia with the Tumen River basin laying at the intersection of all three nations. Kazakhstan and China have 23 transborder rivers with the 2002 established Joint Committee on Transboundary Rivers overseeing their joint usage. Finally, the Mekong River with China as the upstream state flows through five of its Southern neighbors, here China participates in annual meetings of the Mekong River Commission (MRC) as a “dialogue partner,” though not a member. In the case of the Mekong, China’s dam building on the upper reaches, have changed flow and sediment patterns, and plans to expand damn building have infuriated members of the MRC.

The second portion addressed that the conflict over water is not just an intra-country issue, but an inter-country problem. Turner pointed out that most of the focus on governance of water in China is supply-side. Thus, many demand side problems continue to not be addressed. Continuing conflict in Xinjiang between the Uyghur minority and the Han Chinese may be intensified in the future if urbanization and industry deplete the already scarce water supplies, particularly if it is perceived that the Han receive favorable treatment of water allocation. Demographic changes such as growing populations in China and India, as well as the higher-consumption lifestyles that economic growth brings put further strain on water resources. Growing industry is increasing water demand, while discharge and rampant waste dumping is decreasing the quality of water. It was interesting to note in a discussion about polluter pays or user-pay, Dr. Ali noted that without the efforts of MNCs such as Nike local legislation enacting tougher environmental standards would not have occurred, these MNCs often push local officials to enforce the laws on their domestic competitors. The second part is a new prospective that I did not address, but still supports my term paper for this course.

Access to useable water is one of China’s largest problems. 700 million people in China lack access to clean drinking water. In the north, land degradation and desertification are the main problems. Freshwater per capita in Northern China is only ¹/₁₀ of the world average. In the southwest, much ground water sinks into the limestone where it is inaccessible to the general population. Municipal wastewater and agricultural runoff are the worst contaminators of China’s rivers, with 40% of waters at grade V or V+, unsuitable for drink, agriculture, or industry. The 2,800 chemical factories on Lake Tai, between Jiangsu and Zhejiang, have contaminated water to the point that 2 million people have lost access to drinking water. Contaminated water drainage into the ocean have caused the coastal waters to become dead.

Finally there was discussion about the impact of climate change on hydrology, particularly glacier melt and sea level rise. The Himalayan glaciers are the source of much water in Asia. At current rates it is expected that in 30 years the rivers feeding off these glaciers would become seasonal rivers with flow will be dramatically reduced in the dry season. Glacier coverage in China alone is expected to decrease 27% by 2050. But glacier melt may increase the potential for hydropower generation in the short term. Climate change may also lead to sea level rise. Countries such as Vietnam, Bangladesh, Japan, India, and China are the most at risk.

Solutions poised to the increasing water problems in Asia included: 1) Raising the profile of water security on the political and developmental agendas of national government. 2) Include water in security policy planning, but don’t want military to securitize water, but rather change governments to think of water in terms of their citizens livelihood. 3) Generate better policies through dialogue, including encouraging investment and increased collaboration in water management technologies. 4) Water should be included in early warning systems, the IPCC data on water and climate change data could be used for this. 5) Private sector has technical role, but must be careful with exploitation. 6) Utilize the role of water in promoting dialogue, while drawing on local knowledge. 7) Address emerging water problems through a post-2012 climate agreement. 8) Call on Asian Development Bank to expand their Water Financing Partnership, beyond the initially invested 20 million, with a focus on infrastructure and development of renewable energies. 9) Water issues are fragmented in the millennium development for example drinking water under environment, water as a role in infant mortality and women’s health, etc…, UNESCAP should be encouraged to have an integrated task force to meet 2015 targets. 10) Better water data is needed as government’s often lie and errant policy results, possible expansion of the GEMS system. 11) Water issues should again be made part of US’s policy towards the region.

During the Q&A sessions some interesting points were addressed. The first is that low-set water pricing in China may result in increased demand, and a reluctance to adopt new technologies to improve water quality. However, one should not conflate pricing with privatization, the later being a concern. Dr. Ali encouraged all taps including agricultural to be priced as a method for internalizing use of water. Second, on the issue of Chinese territoriality claims toward Tibet, while ethno-history should not be underemphasized, China’s claims may be strengthen in coming years as Tibet is a major source of China’s water and natural-mineral resources. Third, other multilateral treaties, particularly on trade could serve as a possible forum for water issues. Mismanagement of agriculture, particularly cotton and cash crops, is the cause of many water issues as 70 percent of fresh water usage is for agriculture. The lack of trust and imperative for food security further drive domestic dependence on agriculture. Finally, some water/energy solutions are counter intuitive. The goal to increase biofuels by four times current levels in the future energy mix, will further drive demand for water needed for production. Two-thirds of installed capacity of desalinization plants are in West Asia and the Gulf, but many plants are being built and encouraged off the coast of China. Ironically Chinese plants are being fed by coal instead of solar.

More on Sexual Abuse

It kinda shocks me to be writing about my sexual abuse again. But if I truly believe that the only way to release rape from its stigma is to talk about it, then I have to be out there in front talking about it. Thus, I wrote the following in response to a letter to advice columnist Cary Tennis at Slate.com. The letter can be summarized as:

Dear Cary, My date rapist is on Facebook as a "person I might know," I want him to confess and admit he was wrong. Should I contact him? -Want Him to Know

I am a fellow survivor of rape. I sat in a courtroom at the age of 18 as my rapist was sentenced and I listened to the judge tell him that what he had done to me was wrong. As I watched him I realized that my rapist still didn't get it, I don't think he ever will. For his sake, I genuinely hope he does someday. I understand the deep soul-crushing desire for your rapist to acknowledge what he did was wrong. Although the details of my experience were different, the pain is the same.

I think what you may be looking for is a validation of your feelings that what he did to you was wrong. His taking advantage of you was wrong, period. His actions were not okay. Know that, cling to that.

All I can offer to you is my perspective, with counseling (which I would highly recommend) I have come to realize that there is nothing that my rapist could ever say to me, there is no punishment that he could ever serve, there is no hell he could ever endure that would make up for what he did. Nothing that could make it right or better. There is nothing that can restore me to the person I was before I was raped. It was this realization that brought me peace, not an apology.

You and you alone are the only person that can make the choice of contacting him. Don't do it because people say you should or people say you shouldn't. Only do it because you want to. Don't do it only because you don't want to. You are the only person who will have to live with the outcome of your decision.

Thus, I agree with Cary. Get into counseling, explore why an apology is important to you. Explore how you would react if he didn't apologize, if it wasn't genuine. If he told you that he wasn't wrong in doing what he did, think about how that would make you feel. You say that you hate to think he was still doing the same thing to other women (I completely relate)... if he told you he hadn't, would you believe him? I think you want to believe that he isn't a monster. I think you want to be able to chuck it up to him being young and stupid. I know it would help me think of the world as less of a scary place if that were the case.

We live in an imperfect, broken world. In a perfect world there would be no need for an apology. But we are moral creatures with a deep sense of right and wrong. When we are wronged, we hurt to the depths of our soul, we may even become angry. And the only thing that has the power of making this world whole, nay each of us whole again, is the power of an apology and the power of forgiveness. It’s hard to have the later without the former. I understand why you'd like an apology, why you'd like to forgive.

But ask yourself who does the forgiveness really benefit, you or him? You may find that the act of forgiveness may have nothing to do with him. If he wants it, he will come find it. If you forced an apology would it mean the same thing as if he freely found you to give it to you. Forgiveness, I believe, has a lot to do with trying to put our own hurt behind ourselves. And if it is true forgiveness, should it be hinged on anything, on an apology? Only you can answer these questions for yourself, counseling gives you the tools to examine your answers.

If I could give one additional recommendation besides entering counseling it would be to give yourself time, don't make any rash decisions. If in six months or a year you regret not contacting him and are still thinking about it, then go for it. I am sure you can always track him down through the mutual friend or the University's Alumni Association and drop a letter in the mail.

Conversely if any guys (or gals) are out there who feel guilty about taking advantage of a non-consenting partner. You can drop a letter in the mail too.

A/N: I have great respect for whomever wrote this response. While I don't agree with it in its entirity (mostly the first paragraph) the rest I think is great advice.

Turn the world on with your smile!

Did you know to dig straight through the earth to China, one must live in Argentina or Chile, perhaps in a border town in Bolivia? Once you manage to dig that tunnel it would only take you 42 minutes to travel. Just a couple little facts to enlighten my and your day thanks to Metafilter.

It was me vs. the cockroach.... guess who won?

This cockroach incident reinforced an important lesson... sometimes we are given problems in life to prepare us for even more difficult tribulations. Back in September my roommate and I faced an infestation of ants. In actuality they had begun building an ant hill on the carpet of our room! Because we found it on the Saturday morning of a three day weekend, the university's facilities department was closed and I had to deal with the problem myself. To say I am a squeamish with bugs is a bit of an understatement, though I am getting better. I went to CVS and bought ant/roach spray to kill the ants. Once dead, I vacuumed them up. Problem solved, I stuck the spray under our sink and forgot about it.

While trying to find the little sucker pictured above (he had run down my closet door, stood in front of the room's door taunting me and trapping me inside, then had the gall to hide under my bed!) we looked under the sink to see if he had hidden there. He hadn't (he was actually hiding in my ski jacket, which I am not sure I will ever be able to wear again) but we found the forgotten bug spray. Now armed with more than a tennis shoe and a book, we had a more even fight. Had I not had to deal with the ant problem in September, I would never have been prepared to deal with this much nastier cockroach. Nice moral, huh? But, please, oh please, tell me that this cockroach incident wasn't to prepare me to deal with something even nastier.

Was Georgetown Worth it?

To get our graduation announcements, the university has each graduating senior fill out the Pulse Survey. They use this data to improve the university as well as part of the data that goes into figuring out how Georgetown ranks against other schools. One of the questions is: If you could go back and choose your university over again, would you choose Georgetown? So I thought I would share with you the five highlights and five complaints about my Georgetown experience.

5 PROS

1) I love my professors

I am constantly amazed by my professors. For the most part they are approachable. They are the top people in their field and they inspire me to do and be better. They are understanding when things are difficult and every single one of them is passionate about what they do. And it always puts a smile on my face when I am researching something or reading about China in the newspaper, that I see my professors name. My favorites - in no particular order - have included Father Gonzales, Michael Wall, Jim Millward, Carol Benedict, Joanna Lewis, Shareen Joshi, Philip Kafalas and Robert Sutter.

2) The dean's staff (at least in the SFS) is awesome

While my friends who are in the College constantly grip about the quality and access to their deans, I have had an amazing experience in the SFS. My dean, Maura Gregory, has been amazing. She hasn't let me fall through the cracks. She works with me to help me achieve my goals and when life is crappy the couch in her office is always open. There are times where I have sat bawling on her couch, overwhelmed by my classes and she tells me what I need to hear. Other times I come in to chat and we talk for an hour. If I see her on campus I get a smile and a wave. She knows my name.

3) Since of Community

"We are Georgetown." Is JTIII's favorite chant, and its mine too. We all know what Hoya Saxa means, and we all know how long its been. We work hard, we party hard. We can hold intellegent conversations and we are all up on the top 25 rankings in the NCAA. And we all agree that the Lauanger Library sucks as a place to study and looks nothing like a modern interpretation of Healy Hall.

Sometimes I walk up O Street just so I can walk through the main gates. This campus feels like home. It has since the first time I visited - that was actually the defining reason why I choose Georgetown. Everyone from the residence staff to the guy who plants the tulip bulbs in the spring work hard so this is a welcoming environment. It is home and come June I will miss it more than I ever thought possible.

4) My Classes have Prepared Me

Whether it has been my core classes or my major classes I feel like they have prepared me for whatever I do when I walk outside these gates. The SFS has a strong core - every student has to take everything from a geopolitical course to political theory, international relations to comparitive political systems, 4 econs, 3 histories, and be proficent in a foreign language.

I am blown away by my courses for my major. I was able to combine history, economics, sociology, international relations, and science/technology classes. My classes included: The Silk Road, Chinese Domestic Political Priorities, Chinese Foreign Policy, China & the US, Tiawan in the 21st Century, Minorities & Frontiers of Modern China, 20th Century Modern Chinese History, Energy & the Environment in China, Gender & Family in China, China & India: Global Technology Powers. I can hold my own about China any day of the week. Having said this there are a ton of classes I wish I could have taken, including classes on security and Islam/Catholicism in China, more literature and history classes too.

Additionally, I have grown myself. My 2 philosopy, 2 theology, and 3 humanities classes (one a research class), have helped shape me into a better person. These classes included: Marriage & Family in Developing Nations, History & Spirituality of the Jesuits, War & its Legay in Chinese Literature, Philosophy of the Mind, Human Rights. This is part of the cura personalities, or care of the whole person, philosphy that Georgetown abides by. I have come to realizations about my own spirituality, I came to have respect for other's religions. I am more compassionate and more understanding as a result. I am a better human being as a result.

5) Amazing opportunities

I met a prince. Prince Charles of Wales to be exact. I also heard a supreme court justice speak, and Former President Clinton. I got an internship at National Geographic which led to a paid position because 2 producers were auditing one of my classes. My crew team one our race at Regionals in 2006. In 2007 I went to Georgia to watch Georgetown compete in the Final Four! I studied at a top university in China. I met a prince... a prince... need I say more.

5 CONS

1) Bureaucracy

Georgetown resides in the nation's capital and sometimes I feel like it is by osmosis that Georgetown has become so bureaucratic. It is frustrating. Parts of the university don't talk with each other. And sometimes it feels like you even need to have an add/drop class form filled out in triplicate - oh yeah, you do.

Housing on campus is a mess. Gosh forbid you go abroad, or want to switch with someone, or move back on campus. Not going to happen without you loosing all your hair first.

2) Listening to Students

There is not much interaction between administators and students. I have never met the university president Jack DiGioia and I doubt I will, until I become a wealthy donor. Most communication comes between the uniersity administrators and the incompitent, ill inspiring, and just as bureacratic student government.

I don't feel like I am being listened to and I think the best change the universty could make is to sit the University President and the VP of Student Affairs Todd Olsen on beach chairs on Healy lawn for an hour once a week. Even a walk through visit to the library or the cafeteria every so often would appease me. I just think the aministrators are out of touch with the average student and it is frustrating.

3) Cost/Tuition

Georgetown is expensive. It's $37,536 a year. With a 2.9% hike for the 2009-2010 school year (which is better than the 5.5% hike we saw before the start of this school year).

That is a lot of money. And it doesn't include each semester: $4,500 for housing, $1,800 for a meal plan, $1,100 for health insurance, $155.50 for mandatory gym membership (classes are $2 more a class), $38 for residential communication fee, $50 student activity fee, $60 per language or science class, AND at least $500 a semester for books. Books aside that's another $15,000 a year.

So all in all $50,000 a year. $200,000 for your degree if you graduate on time. When you think about it that way, does my education have a $200,000 value? The answer is I am just not sure.

4) Impossible to minor

In the SFS it is impossible to minor. You can earn a certificate, but you must write a thesis. And if you want honors in your major you must right a thesis for that too! How many people do you know that are up for writing two theses? The list of available topics to get a certificate in are small. I am not sure why a student can't cross over and just get a minor with the college oh yeah - see #1 - the Georgetown Bureaucracy.

5) Inconstancy between teachers and classes

My largest complaint is how that there is a real inconsistancy between professors and between syllabi of professors teaching the same mandatory course. If a course is mandatory should the subject matter covered be consistant for every student. Often it is not. Comparing my experience with the course comparative political systems with my friend Christina's, mine emphasized revolutions. Her's actually compared different systems. This was discussed in the student newspaper as pertaining to the infamous Problem of God course.

When grad student T.A.s or even worse upper classmen (which is a phenomenon here) guide recitation courses students by and large get frustrated because no one has taught these "teachers" how to teach.

Lately there has been a debate on campus between adminstators, professors, and students. Professors want laptops banned from class because they feel students are being destracted and aren't paying attention. Students feel that the lectures are boriing and they should be allowed to multi-task. As a student it is frustrating when the material that you are required to have prepared and read for the class and reiterated and not expanded up on in class.

Readings should compliment the lecture. Then students won't feel that if they do the readings they don't need to come to class, or visa vera. Plus if you test on material from the classes and the readings, students have to do both. My World History course with Prof. Wall was probably the best utilization of this "Compliment the Lecture Strategy." And in reading travel logs about the time period we studied, we were able to see the time periods we were studying in a deeper manner. Plus the professor has a Colbert sense of humor.

Laptops in class are not the problem, they are a symptom. If classes are interesting students will pay attention and participate. Plus if surfing the web is the problem, they should turn off the spotty wireless access the university has worked, and worked, and worked to install.

To recap...

Top 5 pros: I love my professors, the dean's staff is awesome, there is a definte since of community, my classes have prepared me, and there have been some pretty amazing opportunities available to me.

Top 5 cons: Georgetown is way, way, way too beaurcratic, the university does not listen to students, tuition and costs are through the roof, impossible to minor, and there are inconsistencies in the mandatory classes.

And the answer, if I got to go back knowing what I know now and repick my college world I choose Georgetown? Yes, for all its ills, I would come back and do it again in a heartbeat.