More on Sexual Abuse

It kinda shocks me to be writing about my sexual abuse again. But if I truly believe that the only way to release rape from its stigma is to talk about it, then I have to be out there in front talking about it. Thus, I wrote the following in response to a letter to advice columnist Cary Tennis at Slate.com. The letter can be summarized as:

Dear Cary, My date rapist is on Facebook as a "person I might know," I want him to confess and admit he was wrong. Should I contact him? -Want Him to Know

I am a fellow survivor of rape. I sat in a courtroom at the age of 18 as my rapist was sentenced and I listened to the judge tell him that what he had done to me was wrong. As I watched him I realized that my rapist still didn't get it, I don't think he ever will. For his sake, I genuinely hope he does someday. I understand the deep soul-crushing desire for your rapist to acknowledge what he did was wrong. Although the details of my experience were different, the pain is the same.

I think what you may be looking for is a validation of your feelings that what he did to you was wrong. His taking advantage of you was wrong, period. His actions were not okay. Know that, cling to that.

All I can offer to you is my perspective, with counseling (which I would highly recommend) I have come to realize that there is nothing that my rapist could ever say to me, there is no punishment that he could ever serve, there is no hell he could ever endure that would make up for what he did. Nothing that could make it right or better. There is nothing that can restore me to the person I was before I was raped. It was this realization that brought me peace, not an apology.

You and you alone are the only person that can make the choice of contacting him. Don't do it because people say you should or people say you shouldn't. Only do it because you want to. Don't do it only because you don't want to. You are the only person who will have to live with the outcome of your decision.

Thus, I agree with Cary. Get into counseling, explore why an apology is important to you. Explore how you would react if he didn't apologize, if it wasn't genuine. If he told you that he wasn't wrong in doing what he did, think about how that would make you feel. You say that you hate to think he was still doing the same thing to other women (I completely relate)... if he told you he hadn't, would you believe him? I think you want to believe that he isn't a monster. I think you want to be able to chuck it up to him being young and stupid. I know it would help me think of the world as less of a scary place if that were the case.

We live in an imperfect, broken world. In a perfect world there would be no need for an apology. But we are moral creatures with a deep sense of right and wrong. When we are wronged, we hurt to the depths of our soul, we may even become angry. And the only thing that has the power of making this world whole, nay each of us whole again, is the power of an apology and the power of forgiveness. It’s hard to have the later without the former. I understand why you'd like an apology, why you'd like to forgive.

But ask yourself who does the forgiveness really benefit, you or him? You may find that the act of forgiveness may have nothing to do with him. If he wants it, he will come find it. If you forced an apology would it mean the same thing as if he freely found you to give it to you. Forgiveness, I believe, has a lot to do with trying to put our own hurt behind ourselves. And if it is true forgiveness, should it be hinged on anything, on an apology? Only you can answer these questions for yourself, counseling gives you the tools to examine your answers.

If I could give one additional recommendation besides entering counseling it would be to give yourself time, don't make any rash decisions. If in six months or a year you regret not contacting him and are still thinking about it, then go for it. I am sure you can always track him down through the mutual friend or the University's Alumni Association and drop a letter in the mail.

Conversely if any guys (or gals) are out there who feel guilty about taking advantage of a non-consenting partner. You can drop a letter in the mail too.

A/N: I have great respect for whomever wrote this response. While I don't agree with it in its entirity (mostly the first paragraph) the rest I think is great advice.